Night Games
by Ellisguy
Summary: Didn't Simon say something about being a traditionalist? Sillyness ensues as Mal learns a little too much about Serenity's resident lovebirds.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Firefly/Serenity, they belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy, Inc. I receive no monetary compensation for this work.

**Spoilers: **Possibly for War Stories.

**Summary: **Didn't Simon say something about being a traditionalist? Sillyness ensues as Mal learns a little too much about Serenity's resident love-birds.

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**Night Games**

Mal was making a final round through the ship before he was to turn in. Serenity was in her night period, so all the lights had been dimmed. Mal had just been through the passenger dorms and was on his way past the Infirmary to check the cargo bay when he heard a noise. It sounded to him like a muffled squeak. Wheeling around, Mal caught sight of a shadowy figure skulking down the aft stairway. Being that it was highly unusual for anything to skulk on his ship, Mal did his best to remain hidden in the shadows on the other side of the infirmary while observing the form as it descended into the common room. When the form turned and headed towards the passenger dorms, Mal could make out that it was apparently a man with some large bundle over his shoulder. What made the situation more interesting was the independent movement of the bundle.

With the possibility of an intruder holding a member of his crew hostage yet again, Mal silently crept out of his hiding place once the man-with-a-bundle figure made a sharp turn into Simon's quarters. Mal drew his pistol as he treaded softly to the passenger dorms, cursing in his head his medic's penchant for being captured. He had hoped to take the intruder by surprise and before any serious harm befell the good doctor. Not that Mal really liked the doctor, he respected him, sure, but the man could still get on his nerves. It was just that fine, Alliance-trained trauma surgeons were very hard to replace, and Mal had grown accustomed to the doctor's arts. Mal had reached Simon's still open door and was preparing to rush in when the sounds coming out of it caused him to pause.

What emanated from Simon's open door could only be classified as a maniacal laugh. What was even more curious was the fact that it was apparently Simon's own voice. Following the maniacal laugh, Simon's voice over-dramatically thundered, "I have you now, Miss Kaylee Frye! Once your father finds out that you are my prisoner, he will have no choice, but to turn over the deed to your family farm, thus completing my nefarious and dastardly plan!"

Mal's eyes widened and his jaw dropped as another maniacal laugh emanated from the room. This was followed by a voice that was distinctly that of Serenity's resident mechanic that pleaded, "Oh please, Doctor Tam! Ya musn't! The farm's all me n' my folks got! Oh please change yer mind, I'll do anythin' ya want! _Anythin'!_"

It was now very clear to Mal what was going on between Serenity's medic and mechanic, and he knew that he should just turn around and let them be, but something in him just wouldn't allow that. Possibly, it was the thought of Simon's embarrassed expression once Mal exposed them both. Whatever it was, Mal holstered his pistol, straightened himself up, and boldly strode into the dorm commanding, "Unhand that fair maiden, Doctor Tam!"

As Mal had expected, Simon turned to the door and looked immediately embarrassed. What Mal had not expected was the state of both the doctor and his mechanic. Simon was in the suit that he wore when he first boarded Serenity as well as a long black cloak and top hat. What completed the doctor's ensemble, and made not laughing a considerable effort, was the large, black 'lip-ferret' that graced his face. Kaylee was on Simon's bed, with hands and feet bound, and wearing her pink ruffled ball gown that she wore for the 'Shindig' on Persephone. The scene shocked Mal into silence, and for a few moments the three of them simply stared at each other.

"Cap'n! What'r'ya doin'?" Kaylee finally stammered.

"Likely I should be askin' the same thing," Mal replied coming out of his stupor.

"We's just havin' a bit o' fun here. Somethin' 'Nara suggested," Kaylee said. "What'd she call it?"

"Role-playing," Simon murmured as he nervously itched at his mustache.

"Yeah! That's it!" Kaylee chimed. "Ya see Cap'n, doin' the deed in the engine room s'been gettin' old, so's we decided to try somethin' diff'rent."

"I mentioned something about being a traditionalist," Simon said as he took off his top hat and ran a hand through his hair.

"That's when the idea jus' hit me," Kaylee finished as she propped herself up on her elbows.

"Well, don't you both think you should be a little more quiet about these shenanigans?" Mal asked. "Or have you both forgotten about the reader across the hall?"

"River's not in her room," Kaylee replied.

"She's in the cargo bay sparring with Jayne," Simon added, noticeably more calm now.

Mal paused as he took a look towards the cargo bay and confusedly said, "Huh!"

Turning back to Simon and Kaylee, Mal began again, saying, "Leastways, it was good of me to show when I did."

"What do you mean?" Simon asked.

"Well, folks know that this when the hero shows up to save the damsel from the fiend," Mal answered with a broad smile.

Simon looked mortified, but Kaylee quickly spoke up, saying, "No it ain't. This is when I use my womanly wiles to turn the tables on the Evil Doctor Tam!"

Kaylee paused as she thought for a moment. With an evil gleam in her eye, she continued in a slow drawl, "An' if the 'hero' should show, he won't have no heat in his bunk for the next month!"

Both Simon and Mal looked at Kaylee upon hearing her not too veiled threat and caught sight of her heated glare. They immediately looked back at each other and nodded in silent agreement. Mal quickly backed out of the dorm, but once outside he asked, "Could you please just shut the door? Sounds carryin' and the like?"

"Of course," Simon replied as he stepped forward and began sliding the door shut. Once it had snicked shut and audibly locked, Mal turned and quickly strode off towards the cargo bay. Not only was he trying to avoid the sounds of his mechanic and medic engaged in their current night game, but the idea of his resident mercenary and assassin sparring together had just caught up with him. That could lead to all manner of things unpleasant. He should get there before things went farther than they should.

Mal strode into the cargo bay and looked around for both River and Jayne. When he caught sight of them, Mal instantly knew things had already gone too far. River was apparently sleeping on top of a crate near the weight bench with Jayne hovering over her. The rough merc looked like he was about to place a kiss on the young assassin's lips, and Mal just slapped his hand against his forehead, saying, "_Tamade!_"

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